


Breathe

by irnhero



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Domestic Violence, Protective Steve Rogers, just a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 09:29:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18914209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irnhero/pseuds/irnhero
Summary: He thought this could be classified as a minor disaster. Or at the very least a situation Tony never in a million years ever (ever) wanted to find himself in. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. It wasn’t. He was being stupid, overreacting. But Steve’s face… Like he said: minor disaster.





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> tw: descriptions of domestic violence and panic attacks.  
> thanks so much for reading! comments and kudos appreciated!
> 
> edit: big thanks to fanfictiongreenirises for being an awesome beta!!!!!!

He thought this could be classified as a minor disaster. Or at the very least a situation Tony never in a million years ever (ever) wanted to find himself in. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. It wasn’t. He was being stupid, overreacting. But Steve’s face… Like he said: minor disaster. 

Everything had been fine. It had been a perfect morning by any standards. He had left his work (been coerced away from it by Steve’s less than ethical methods) at a reasonable hour the night before and had a restful night’s sleep for the first time in over a week (he was onto something, okay). He’d woken up to the press of lips and soft touches and a gentle voice promising breakfast. A  _ perfect  _ morning. Leave it to him to pop his own blissful bubble.

Now he and Steve were sat side by side, shoulders just barely brushing on the roof in the waning light surrounded by a tense silence. A thick blanket softened the cold floor beneath them as they watched the sun set slowly on the New York skyline. 

Tony could feel Steve’s eyes on him but he avoided his gaze, focusing instead on picking nervously at his nails. He could feel the tension rolling off of the man beside him but Steve remained silent, waiting patiently for the explanation Tony had promised him after - after this morning. 

_ It would have been nothing. It was an accident. Maybe we could have laughed it away. Maybe. If I wasn’t such a fucking wreck. _

Tony closed his eyes and sighed deeply as he dropped his head into one hand. He rubbed his forehead roughly as he remembered.

They’d been in the kitchen. Not the big, communal kitchen; they’d kept to the penthouse, hoping for a quiet morning to themselves. Tony had turned his back on the toaster and leaned against the counter, hands against the cold marble bracing him on either side. He smiled easily at the back of a blond head and broad shoulders standing opposite him. Steve hummed softly to himself as he cut fruit on the island. He turned his head slightly, as if he could feel eyes on him before setting down his knife and turning to face his admirer, a smile playing of his lips. 

Steve had pushed himself off the island and started on the few strides between them. He reached his hand out to cup Tony’s face and Tony smiled brightly up at him. But as Steve made his last step, he slipped and fell forward into Tony. He used his free arm to catch himself on the counter but the other hand, the one that had surely been poised for a kind and gentle touch on Tony’s skin instead pressed harshly into his neck. 

Suddenly, Tony’s mind turned on him. He felt another’s hands on his neck, just as large but colder, rougher.  _ I can’t breathe,  _ he’d screamed in his head, unable to speak.  _ Stop stop stop it hurts please stop.  _

Tony had shoved the hand away from him and stumbled to his left and away from the wall.  _ Counter. No wall. It’s the counter. My counter _ . His own hands flew to his neck protectively, shielding it from his attacker.  _ Steve. Steve isn’t attacker. He’d never hurt me. Never.  _ Tony’s mind raced almost as quickly as his heart. His chest heaved with laboured breaths.  _ I can breathe.  _ He dropped a hand down to his reactor and lifted the other to his forehead, desperately trying to hold himself together.  _ I can breathe, I can breathe. Breathe.  _

Tony had gasped in a few more ragged breaths before finally lifting his head and opening his eyes. What he saw nearly broke his heart. He saw Steve with his hands held up in a show of peace but still and unmoving. His face, decorated with his gorgeous smile not a moment ago, now twisted in confusion and apprehension and sadness, more than anything. 

As Tony looked out over the city (and all day while he hid in his workshop), all he could see was Steve’s horrified face from that morning staring back at him. So sad and confused. Tony closed his eyes again and felt the breeze on his face. It was growing chillier as the sun fell. 

He should tell Steve. He wanted to. Steve had already told him so much about his past - the good and the bad.

_ “I want you to know me. Really know me,” _ he had said.

Tony wanted that, too. It was strange for him, to want to know someone that deeply. Stranger still to want to be known in that same way. It was all very new, different than anything he’d ever felt before. Anything he’d ever  _ wanted  _ to feel. But Steve made him want to feel everything there was to feel. 

Tony saw Steve’s face again behind his eyelids. Broken and startled, like he’d been slapped. The first thing he’d done was apologize.

_ “I - I’m sorry. Tony… Tony whatever I did - whatever it was I’m so sorry.” _

He’d held up his hands and told Tony how sorry he was for something that hadn’t been his fault, before Tony pushed past him and left him there without a word. Steve was so good to him. Gentle and kind and  _ good.  _ He would never lay a hand on Tony, would never even think about it. He was nothing like… like  _ him. _ Steve deserved to know the truth. He deserved to know why Tony had completely lost it for what appeared to be no reason. He deserved to know why Tony had shut him out all day. He deserved to know that this wasn’t his fault. None of it was. The thought of Steve going on thinking he’d hurt Tony, that he’d done something wrong, made him sick.

Even now, after being freaked out on before his breakfast and left without an explanation for hours, Steve sat patient and trusting by Tony’s side. Not pushing him or prompting him. He didn’t even really seem expectant. Just patient. Supportive. Sitting here together, Tony knew that whatever he gave him, Steve would happily accept - even if it was nothing. He was so  _ good.  _

And he deserved the truth. So that’s what Tony was going to give him.

Tony took a deep breath and opened his eyes.

“I had my first real relationship when I was seventeen.” Tony began heavily. It wasn’t a pretty story, or an easy one to tell. But Tony was going to tell it and he knew Steve would listen.

“His name was Ty. I was in college. He was 22, finishing up his degree. He was built kinda like you. Bit taller. Dark hair, dark eyes. He was… He was beautiful. At least to me. I just couldn’t believe he wanted  _ me.  _ I was a snarky, skinny, know-it-all brat, and in comes this guy looking like Hercules, could have anyone he wants and he picks  _ me. _ Guess that’s why I-” 

Tony swallowed hard on the words as they caught in his throat. He shifted his gaze from the skyline to his hands where they lay fidgeting in his lap. He could feel Steve’s eyes on him but Steve didn’t move or speak. Just waited, patient as ever.

Tony gave himself another moment or so before turning his eyes back to the city. It was beautiful in this light.

“It was small at first. Little things. Telling me to be quiet, to talk less. Making ‘suggestions’ on what I should wear or where I should go. I didn’t exactly have a lot of experience in relationships and he was so nice the rest of the time so I didn’t think much of it. It was fine.”

Tony paused again. He could already feel his lungs searching for more air. A few deep breaths.  _ In… and out. _

“Then he started pushing me. It was just a shove here and there. Could almost mistake it for a joke if it wasn’t so… hard. Just a little too hard to be a joke. Then they got harder. I almost fell a few times. But I didn’t want him to-” a pause, “I didn’t want to upset him so I just let it be.”

_ In… and out. In… and out. _

“Then he slapped me.”  _ In… and out. “ _ I was talking, I don’t really remember what about anymore, but I was talking and he told me to shut up. You know me, I love to be difficult, always have, even then. I told him he couldn’t tell me what to do, I was talking and I was going to finish… and then he just… slapped me. Wasn’t as hard as he could, I know that now, but it was hard. I was sure it was gonna leave a mark but it didn’t. He was good about never leaving marks.”

_ In… _

_ In… and out. In… and out. _

Steve had gone rigid beside him, fists clenching in his lap, but Tony kept his eyes fixed on some far-off point in the clouds.

_ In… and out. _

“After that he pretty much did what he pleased. He pushed me when I annoyed him. Sometimes just a shove, sometimes… sometimes to the ground. He slapped me when I pissed him off. A few times, after he got drunk and angry, he would-”

_ In...and out. _

_ …..and _

_ In.. _

_ In… and out.  _

“He’d punch me. Kick me. Whatever came to him at the time. Never my face, never where people would see. He was smart about that.”

The words were bitter in Tony’s mouth. He hated this. He hated this story, hated that it had happened, hated that he’d let it happen, hated that he had to tell it now. That he had to bring his fucked up past into his present, his future. He hated that this was a part of them now, of him and Steve. He hated it so  _ much. _

_ In… and out. _

_ In… and out. _

“Then, near the end of the semester, I wanted to go out with Rhodey and some friends to a party. Without him. He didn’t like that at all. He yelled and screamed, and pushed like always. Then he slapped me. And I… I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just so  _ mad _ . I wanted, just this once, to go out with my friends without him hanging over me. Without him looking over my shoulder. I just wanted to have  _ fun _ . Just for one night. He couldn’t even give me  _ one night _ ?!”

_ In.. _

_ In……. and _

Tony’s breaths came faster and sharper. He felt silent tears slipping down his cheeks and to his chin where they finally fell onto his hands. Except… they didn’t fall onto  _ his  _ hands. He felt a big, strong hand taking his and warm fingers finding their way between his cold ones. He dragged his gaze down to his lap and saw through the blur Steve’s hand over his, tear drops dotting his pale skin.

He closed his eyes a moment.

_ In… and out. _

Steve wouldn’t blame him if he stopped here. If Tony stopped talking right now and insisted they go back downstairs and to bed, Steve wouldn’t argue. He’d take Tony in his arms and never ask him to finish this terrible story. 

But Tony would go on. He could do this. Steve deserved the truth, all of it.  _ I can do this. _

_ In… and out. _

“He slapped me. And I slapped him back. And then… Have you ever heard the expression ‘seeing red’?” 

Steve didn’t speak and Tony didn’t turn to see Steve shake or nod his head. But Steve’s big hand squeezed Tony’s tightly.  _ I can do this. _

“I’ve never - I’ve never done it myself but when I looked at him I could see-” Tony sucked in a sharp breath.

_ In...and out. _

“I could see it in his eyes. Dark and-and  _ empty.  _ He-He put his hands around my neck and held me up against the wall. I tried to kick the wall so maybe the neighbors would hear me but,” a pause, “no one came. I tried to push his hands off but but he was so much bigger than me. He just squeezed. An-And I couldn’t breathe. I thought he was gonna kill me.”

_ In.. _

_ In… _

_ In…… _

_ In… and out. _

_ In…   and out. _

“Eventually I passed out. And I - I don’t know, maybe he thought I was dead? He left me there. He just dropped me and walked out. Didn’t even remember to shut the front door. Rhodey… Rhodey was supposed to pick me up there that night. He found me. My head hit a table after-after  _ he  _ dropped me. Poor Rhodey found me lying there in puddle of blood on the floor. To this day he says that’s the most scared he’d ever been before Afghanistan.”

Steve squeezed again.

_ In… and out. _

“I woke up in the hospital with a concussion and black bruises all over my neck. I couldn’t talk at all and it hurt to-to breathe. Rhodey called my parents. Turned out, Ty’s dad was a competitor of ours. They had a big buyout deal coming up and Ty’s dad wanted to soften up mine. Thought maybe he wouldn’t want to upset his beloved only child. Bullshit, of course. Daddy dearest wanted to drop the whole thing. He was afraid a scene would scare them away from the deal. Mom wouldn’t have it though. One of the few occasions I can recall that she put her foot down. She made sure I could press charges if I wanted to.”

Tony looked back out to the sky. The last dregs of light were fading fast now and the few stars that could be seen appearing in the sky.

“But I was seventeen. I was just a kid. And being me, I knew charges meant press. Press meant everyone in the world would know what happened to me. They would all know and there was nothing I could do about it. I was so scared.”

This time Steve pulled their intertwined hands up to his lips and pressed a lingering kiss to the back of Tony’s palm. So gentle. So soft. So  _ good.  _

“In exchange for my silence, dad got to kill them in the deal and they agreed to keep Ty as far away from me as possible. He transferred home, some school down in Florida, so I’d never have to see him again. And I haven’t. I haven’t even thought about that whole… mess in years. I don’t know why I even- It’s so stupid, I-”

“No, Tony,” Steve said, finally breaking is patient silence. Steve shifted quickly into Tony’s line of sight, effectively blocking his view of the darkening skyline. Sappy as it was, Tony thought this view was even more beautiful.

Steve’s eyes were still sad but his face was no longer broken or confused. In their place was understanding, concern, and  _ love.  _ The tension from before had all but evaporated leaving nothing but a familiar warmth behind. Steve took Tony’s other hand and held them both tightly between his own.

“It’s not stupid. There’s nothing stupid about you. Hey, look at me.” Steve moved one of his hands up to stroke Tony’s cheek, a ghost of a touch.  _ So gentle,  _ Tony thought. These hands could crush bones like pretzel sticks but Tony knew they never would. At least not his.  _ Never.  _

“I’m so sorry he did that to you. He had no right, no right to ever touch you, to ever lay a hand on you that way. And he better hope we never meet.” A hard, angry (very Cap-like) look flashed in Steve’s eyes for a moment before the softness returned. 

Steve brought his hands up slowly, giving Tony plenty of time to stop him or move away, and cradled Tony’s face between them. Steve knocked their foreheads together and Tony closed his eyes, letting his last few tears fall. Tears he didn’t even know he had left to cry, at least not over this.

“I love you.  _ So  _ much. And I’m never gonna let anyone hurt you again.” Steve’s thumbs brushed the apples of Tony’s cheeks lightly. “ _ I  _ am never gonna hurt you. Not ever. You know that right?”

Steve pulled away just barely a centimeter and Tony opened his eyes. Blue. Steve’s eyes we so blue. So stunningly, beautifully blue. Tony stared right into those blue eyes and raised his hands to cover the big, soft, warm,  _ safe  _ ones holding his face so gently. 

“I know. I do, I swear.” Tony turned his head just so in Steve’s hands and pressed his lips to Steve’s palm. 

“I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> reblog here [xxx](https://irnhero.tumblr.com/post/185049986647/breathe)


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